Tag Archives: humor

Make Like An Iguana

Iguana_at_Maria_la_GordaA tidbit for today.  Light reading.

Some humor from the grocery store.  Well, my kind of humor.  We all have different kinds.

So I was standing in the check-out line at the local grocery store.  I have a guilty habit of “Tom-peeping” into other shopper’s grocery carts.  Because we eat weird and nobody asks us over for dinner anymore, I often forget what typical American people eat.  If I’m going to run a blog about health and food and expect to reach people, I’d better know where they’re at.  And I have a feeling I’m in a small minority who eats seaweed and tiger nuts.  (You’re allowed to ask, if you wish…)  So I peep.

There was this lady waiting behind me.  I was SO impressed by her cart.  She had five different kinds of beautiful, fresh lettuces and greens.  By my doctor’s eye, she was not the epitome of health.  Definitely over her ideal body mass index.  Skin sallow and puffy.  Hair dry and thinning.  Ankles a bit swollen.  My imagination ran wild.  I thought, “I’ll bet she has run into something like uncontrolled diabetes or lupus.  I’ll bet she has decided to make drastic changes to her diet.  Maybe she’s even going Paleo or something.”  I had to squelch my curiosity.  I make my opening line.

“Oh!  What beautiful greens you have there!  How lovely!”

She takes the bait.  She’s going to tell me what those greens are for.  I’m so excited.  Maybe I can give her some book tips, recipe ideas, or blog sites to check out…

Here she goes.  She’s getting ready to speak…

She’s absolutely beaming.

And…well, wouldn’t you know it.

“–They’re for my iguana.  He’s going to be very happy with me!”

Yes, I’ll bet he will be.

Closing:  Eat Like An Iguana

If you’re not eating “this way” yet.  Let’s get you there.  Whole foods.  Lots of vegetables.  And remember, what’s good for the iguana JUST MIGHT be good enough for you.  Eat like an iguana.  Next time you grocery shop, make like an iguana to the green stuff.

(Did you know iguanas really don’t eat flies much?  I thought they ate flies.  But apparently in nature, they’re herbivores and eat flies just as they come along with their greens.)

~~Terri

5 Ways to Survive December, Homeschooling or Otherwise

1.  Forget Elf on the Shelf.  Become rich even.  Create Elf in the Trash.  Elf in the Back of the Garbage Truck.  Elf in the Landfill.  That stupid elf has broken my kids’ hearts too many times.

elf

Certainly remind the kids that The Elf does not really move every day.

2.  Shake the Christmas tree really, really violently then vacuum up all the loose needles just once.

dead tree

Oh yes.  That will be much easier to take care of now.

3.  December never comes and goes without at least one illness.

vomit

Declare “No Christmas” for any kid who doesn’t clean up his own puke.

4.  Become an avid non-consumer proponent.

Sock

That is so cute.  It only took two old socks.  Magic marker could be used even–if you don’t have buttons.

5.  Open the top of the piano.  Stuff some towels down in there.  And the violin.  Close gently.

piano inside

I don’t have a clue what is wrong with the piano.

Is your house as crazy as ours is right now?  If they could  funnel the energy of kids at Christmas,  they could get the USA off of oil, I’m sure.  The red food dye certainly raises it to a whole new level in our house.  Red food dye is regulated more tightly than sugar here.  Yep.  You read that right.  In some of my kids, that stuff is pure evil.

We are having a ball.  Is it all Zen?  Nope!  Crazy.  Mouthy.  Sick (and I did clean it up, by the way).  Busy.  Unproductively productive.  But when I feel the frustration and overwhelm, I try to use it as a way to STOP and regroup.  (I literally do just that.  When I feel that feeling–I pull up short in mid-stride.)  Something is not right.  What is it?  What can I do about it?  What can I eliminate?  What mind-set can I change and adjust to help deal with reality versus expectation?  Is there a friend I can call who can give me an attitude flip?  Just about nothing matters to me more than helping my kids become content, satisfied, and non-superficial people, and to do that, they need a role-model.  Am I modeling that?

Christmas is about nothing if it isn’t about unconditional love.  Acceptance that great things come from humbleness and simplicity.  May we all know that.  It gets me through December–heck–and the other 11 months too.

Warmest wishes to you this last week before The Big Show.

~~Terri

(PS:  Number six would be, “Expect to be interrupted every two minutes.  Plan on it.”)

(PPS:  I still know that I owe some iodine, butyrate, and blood sugar regulation posts.  They are on my mind, but I just can’t get to them like I want to yet.)

First Trimester Yucks

We have had a little surprise in our house that has brought me to my knees.  Probably I should say it has brought me to my couch.  For a couple of months.  Finding humor in the midst of discomfort brings some relief.

How long will this first trimester last?  One year.  Let me explain the math.  Anything that is miserable has to be multiplied by a factor of 4.  A trimester equals three months.  Three months multiplied by 4 is 12 long months.

Irritated one morning–before I even thought:  “WHY is this bathrobe making be look so frumpy?  It makes me look three months pregnant or something! “ Guess that would be because I was ONE month pregnant!  Size must get multiplied by a factor of three.  Later it will be 5 or 6.

I’m late.  Maybe I should check a test.  Nah.  Just my hormones.  Why waste money on a test that always comes back negative?  (Wait.  Wait.  Stop.  Where is that box with the “code”?  Is this kind of test positive with a plus sign–or positive with one line–or positive with two lines?  Oh, can’t they standardize these stupid sticks?)  Stupidity must get multiplied by a factor of 10-100.  MY stupidity, that is.

Gastric motility (how quickly the stomach empties its contents) slows down in pregnancy.  How much?  Just eat a cucumber.  One hour.  Two hours.  Three hours.  Four hours.  Five hours.  About 6 hours to empty the stomach by my calculations.  Typical stomachs dump their food out in about an hour.  Multiply by a factor of 6 for gastric emptying.  Probably best to skip the fermented cod liver oil for awhile.

I have no idea what my kids are doing around the house.  The other day one came up from the basement repeating, “One time, at band camp…”  What’s that supposed to mean?

Sleep definitely gets multiplied by a factor of about 2 to 2.5.  Up.  Take a shower.  Lay back down.  Put on clothes.  Lay back down.  Drag out Lara bars.  Lay back down.  Don’t get back up…

What’s unschooling?  I will definitely be looking into that philosophy.  They don’t need multiplication anyway.

Your deodorant is like a shotgun up my nose, please don’t hug me.  Your shampoo I can smell, and it is death by odor.  Please don’t snuggle me.  You stink.  Oh, by all means cook for me, but can you grill outside in the Alberta Clipper so the smell doesn’t linger in the house?   No.  I can’t go to church today.  Too much perfume.  Please.  Even the dishwasher smells bad.

You.  Man.  Go away.  Don’t you come near me.  I’ve heard you can get pregnant twice.  You can see I learned as much about sex education as I learned about saturated fat and gluten in medical school.  Yes, I really need my money back.

I wonder if working out would make me feel better.  Pedal.  Pedal.  Two revolutions.  Can’t do this.  Maybe the incline treadmill.  Nope.  Not that either.  I’m going to go stretch on this yoga mat (while I sleep).

I have done this five times in my life.  If you multiply (multiplication–again) three months by 5 months, that’s 15 months of my life feeling sick and doggy.  Women are clearly the stronger sex.  And sometimes, some of those first three months amount to only an angel in heaven.  But two days ago we had a heartbeat at 12 weeks, so we are statistically a lot closer to a beautiful blessing that I will have joy for once I quit feeling so badly.

photo (1)P.S.:   I wondered as I started this nutritional intervention path two years ago if it would have made any difference in pregnancy symptoms and issues.  I NEVER intended to personally check it out.  Ah, well.  Life is good if you change your expectations sometimes.  (Those Lifesavers I did not eat.  Strangely, their smell calmed my stomach.  I did eat them all the other pregnancies, and eating them never helped.  Smelling them did.  Yep.)   ~~Terri