We have had a little surprise in our house that has brought me to my knees. Probably I should say it has brought me to my couch. For a couple of months. Finding humor in the midst of discomfort brings some relief.
How long will this first trimester last? One year. Let me explain the math. Anything that is miserable has to be multiplied by a factor of 4. A trimester equals three months. Three months multiplied by 4 is 12 long months.
Irritated one morning–before I even thought: “WHY is this bathrobe making be look so frumpy? It makes me look three months pregnant or something! “ Guess that would be because I was ONE month pregnant! Size must get multiplied by a factor of three. Later it will be 5 or 6.
I’m late. Maybe I should check a test. Nah. Just my hormones. Why waste money on a test that always comes back negative? (Wait. Wait. Stop. Where is that box with the “code”? Is this kind of test positive with a plus sign–or positive with one line–or positive with two lines? Oh, can’t they standardize these stupid sticks?) Stupidity must get multiplied by a factor of 10-100. MY stupidity, that is.
Gastric motility (how quickly the stomach empties its contents) slows down in pregnancy. How much? Just eat a cucumber. One hour. Two hours. Three hours. Four hours. Five hours. About 6 hours to empty the stomach by my calculations. Typical stomachs dump their food out in about an hour. Multiply by a factor of 6 for gastric emptying. Probably best to skip the fermented cod liver oil for awhile.
I have no idea what my kids are doing around the house. The other day one came up from the basement repeating, “One time, at band camp…” What’s that supposed to mean?
Sleep definitely gets multiplied by a factor of about 2 to 2.5. Up. Take a shower. Lay back down. Put on clothes. Lay back down. Drag out Lara bars. Lay back down. Don’t get back up…
What’s unschooling? I will definitely be looking into that philosophy. They don’t need multiplication anyway.
Your deodorant is like a shotgun up my nose, please don’t hug me. Your shampoo I can smell, and it is death by odor. Please don’t snuggle me. You stink. Oh, by all means cook for me, but can you grill outside in the Alberta Clipper so the smell doesn’t linger in the house? No. I can’t go to church today. Too much perfume. Please. Even the dishwasher smells bad.
You. Man. Go away. Don’t you come near me. I’ve heard you can get pregnant twice. You can see I learned as much about sex education as I learned about saturated fat and gluten in medical school. Yes, I really need my money back.
I wonder if working out would make me feel better. Pedal. Pedal. Two revolutions. Can’t do this. Maybe the incline treadmill. Nope. Not that either. I’m going to go stretch on this yoga mat (while I sleep).
I have done this five times in my life. If you multiply (multiplication–again) three months by 5 months, that’s 15 months of my life feeling sick and doggy. Women are clearly the stronger sex. And sometimes, some of those first three months amount to only an angel in heaven. But two days ago we had a heartbeat at 12 weeks, so we are statistically a lot closer to a beautiful blessing that I will have joy for once I quit feeling so badly.
P.S.: I wondered as I started this nutritional intervention path two years ago if it would have made any difference in pregnancy symptoms and issues. I NEVER intended to personally check it out. Ah, well. Life is good if you change your expectations sometimes. (Those Lifesavers I did not eat. Strangely, their smell calmed my stomach. I did eat them all the other pregnancies, and eating them never helped. Smelling them did. Yep.) ~~Terri
The HSD 
Congratulations, Terri and Brandon and all the big sisters. I hope by the time I’m reading this you’re feeling better.
Dear Liz, Thanks so much! I’m getting there! I hope your doing okay with all this snow and weather! I started reading your most recent book (I think it’s the most recent) while I was down for the count. Much better than all those research articles on my brain!
Word. Wish I had more useful comments, but that’s all I’m good for at the moment. Hope the yuckies get better soon!!! You’re almost there!
I’m having some windows of productiveness! Which makes me VERY happy! It will be good to hit about week 14, still have a heartbeat, and feel good! Thinking of you…
Oh yes, this brings back memories! That heartbeat is totally the best sound in the world to hear!
Very reassuring! How are you? I’ll get over soon!
OMG! CONGRATULATIONS Friend!!! Sorry about the sick part 😦 But, I can definitely relate to and attest to your math! Lol! But, that might not be saying much as my husband loves to harass me about being the only college graduate in our family and also the only one who consistently has math issues…oh well 6 and one half dozen the other 😉 Well, I am excited for you and your ability to test out your nutrition while pregnant… even if unexpected … that’s where life gets fun!
Yes! The unexpected makes life fun, doesn’t it? Hard for us people who like to be in control, though!
Thanks for double-checking and verifying my math! I’m sure my factors were right on! 🙂
It does, but definitely hard for type A people, lol! But, once you start letting up on the controls, life starts to become more free!
Haha….Oh, I didn’t have to check your math, I could just tell it was right by looking at it 😉
“Oh, I didn’t have to check your math, I could just tell it was right by looking at it 😉 …”
And having experienced it (the math and situation)!
Have a good day!
Haha…You too!!
Oh no, your kids have gotten into American Pie!
It sounds like you’ve gotten what I have!! 🙂 Maybe I’ve just been pregnant for 6 years. When I first came down with it, my best friend was pregnant. When I explained the symptoms, she said, “It sounds a lot like being pregnant…”
Congratulations!! S/he is one lucky baby to be born into your family.
Hi, Jackie! I know–during the last couple of months I kept thinking, “This is how some people feel EVERY day of their lives.” (It helped me have a better attitude for about 5 minutes. Sadly, LOL!) For you to continue to have motivation and hope is inspiring to me and others. Thank you!
A-ha! American Pie! I was teasing! They’ve probably watched more American Pickers than they ought and picked up some extra vocabulary, but I’m safe for a little bit on all that teenage American Pie saga stuff!
Hey, just because I feel crappy, please don’t attempt to be okay with feeling crappy too! We can all be angry we feel crappy at all. 🙂
I do believe you are right! A thorn is a thorn is a thorn. And sometimes they just hurt!
I like that, a thorn is a thorn is a thorn. Is that an expression or did you make that up?
Well, I don’t rightly know. Back in pharmacy school when I had an eating disorder, I was mad at myself. I told myself, “This is your problem. It’s petty. It’s silly. It’s all in your head, and you could get better if you wanted to. People have REAL problems, and YOU don’t.” I did want to get better, but that approach wasn’t working. I eventually realized that yes, my life was beautiful, but it did have its thorns. Everybody’s life does. And those thorns are all different in sizes and shapes, but they all still hurt those people very badly. I should never belittle anybody’s thorns, including my own. PS: I looked for that Coconut Bliss flavor you mentioned in your post. Was so sad I cannot get it here. ~~Terri
Wow! Congrats!!!! Will be excited to hear if your nutritional interventions help you have a better pregnancy experience! Best of luck, please keep writing!
Thanks, Kerry! Hopefully all will go well! Now that I’m seeing patches of blue sky through the discomfort of the first trimester, I’m looking forward to writing more again! But, boy that first trimester always does me in! No matter what I eat!
At least you’ve hung onto your wit and humour, that’s the most important thing! As Jackie says, I wonder if I’ve been pregnant all these years…..
Is that wit and humor [ahem–“humour”] or flat-out pessimism and sarcasm? 🙂
And I thought of you and Jackie extensively the last couple months. HOW do they do this? Because, yes, the symptom similarities are striking! (Hmmm…is that a lead we need to follow scientifically sometime?)
Hope you, however, are still on the progress up!
A friend was pregnant last year and complained of being exhausted by the short walk to the train station, she didn’t seem to make the connection that I was living the same horror everyday with no end in sight at that time….it was hard to sympathize after the fourth or fifth month of her complaining…..
You on the other hand have my heartfelt sympathies, ME has taught me a lot about the life of pregnant women and seniors…. Hope the yucks are on the progress up for you!
Yes. Thinking about having these symptoms indefinitely is horror. I’ve thought a lot about fibromyalgia/myalgic encephalopathy/chronic fatigue syndrome/Lyme’s/cancer/chemo patients the last few months. Thinking, “This is how they feel with no endpoint clearly in sight.” I can only imagine how hopeless it could become for people.
So watching the fighters (like you) keep fighting is an inspiration. They won’t take “no” for an answer. They’re not afraid to try. And keep trying!
I am so grateful the Lightning Process has given you some relief, some normalcy. You deserve it. And I’m glad that you can share it through technology so others may see if it is something that can apply to them.
Well, I’ll shut-up now. Things are improving here. Thank you for your comment. Hope winter is treating you kindly.
Winter has so far, touch wood, been mercifully kind and mild. None of the horrendous snow that your continent seems to be being sabotaged with this year!
Technology is wonderful, it was because of reading of others experiences of the lightning process online that encouraged me to try that path and I’m so glad I did, so whilst I appreciate everyone is an individual, and it’s not necessarily a one size fits all solution, I hope I am encouraging others to consider it for themselves. It has literally changed my life.
I’m so glad to hear things are improving at your end. I’m very interested to hear how pregnancy affects your ‘system’ when you have the energy to post, I’ve always wondered what a ‘bun in the oven’ would do to my ‘slow transit’! Surely to God it couldn’t make it slower…..
Oh, we are all muddling through winter over here! Even the Floridians! And technology is wonderful! Probably saved MY colon! Which, is not optimal right now. But, it has been a lot worse in my life. I’m reserving judgment until I have better control over what I eat (secondary to nausea), I am moving more again, and I can get back to taking some magnesium like I ought to (which makes me want to gag right now). The first trimester is hard because nausea makes me not able to do the things that have helped me the last couple of years. I’m thinking positive, though!
And yes we need to follow that lead, all leads should be followed where ME is concerned! We’ve been in the dark far too long!
Hormonal axis needs to be investigated more deeply! 🙂
Aww, Congratulations, Terri!! XO
Thank you, Valerie. Have been thinking of you for sure. XOXO to you, too.
Well if it makes you feel better I lol’d while reading your entire post! My husband still says I have extrasensory smell 🙂 I remember threatening to skip staff meetings if my colleague continued to bring in fish that he would reheat in the microwave! haha I do hope you are feeling better by the time you read this mama!
Funny about your husband’s thoughts–my husband asked the other day, “How long does this extra sensitive smelling last? I can’t remember.” But it seriously is a BAD problem to have! Dishwasher cubes, dish soap, onion, garlic, deodorant, lotions, cocoa butter, perfumes, even my own house for crying out loud! Reheated fish in a staff meeting definitely would be VERY bad. Thanks for the comment, and I think the fog is lifting and just a week or two to go before the sun shines bright.
Oh WOW! Congrats on the big surprise. I wondered why you’d been so quiet lately. What beautiful news for you and your family. Xoxo
Thanks! That first trimester (and I know the whole pregnancy, for some!) can really make you feel incapacitated. Hope you’ve caught up on your sleep!
Haha this is hilarious!! I love your humor, even if you are turning into a moan 😉 Truthfully I can relate to every single thing you said, especially the Man Get Away From Me, actually I still feel like that, hahaha!!
Well, I do feel a little sorry for my guy. I mean, this will not be happening again! So snip, snap–and that will be the end of the [gingerbread] man. (That was bad and he actually read over my shoulder. Big glare. Bad, bad humor.) Anyhow, glad you got a laugh. Felt better to express it!
Our gingerbread man went to see Dr Snip a few years ago 🙂
I know it will happen here. How nice are we expected to be about the whole experience for them? 🙂
Congratulations! This cracked me up and I really needed a good laugh today, thank you!! Hopefully your days become more sunny 🙂 I’m still psyching myself up to think the second time around will be better 😉
Good! I am happy to provide laughter! For sure!
Did yours last longer than the first trimester? Mine has always gradually worn off by about 14-15 weeks. Then I’m usually good to go. Don’t you wonder what role this plays? Why does nature do it this way? I do!
Hope you are doing well this wintry month!
It’s funny because as I was reading your post I was thinking exactly that! What is the purpose of all these symptoms?! Mine lasted until about 13/14 weeks and then I felt great so I shouldn’t complain but I remember thinking why would anyone do this to themselves!! I also remember wanting so badly to eat healthy for the baby but couldn’t choke down my usual healthy foods or much at all. Thank you 🙂
That sounds about par for my course, too!
“You can see I learned as much about sex education as I learned about saturated fat and gluten in medical school.” I almost forgot, you did go to med school in Indiana!
Oh, YOU! I’m gonna’ get you for that!
Yay! I have been thinking about you and your wee one but I didn’t want to ask and intrude your rest. I have to agree, the first trimester sucks. I was on bed rest when I was pregnant with the little girl, puked all the time, couldn’t hold food down except for plantains and crackers. Bleeh! Cooking was banned in our house because everything just smelled BAD. I hope you feel better soon Terri!
Thank you, Jhanis. I’m glad I don’t have to try to drag myself to work this time. ~~The Couch Patrol
Observation of the Day: The Crock Pot, normally my best friend, is the devil. The spare ribs that seemed like such a good idea this morning had more than worn out their welcome in this house by suppertime. Usually, I smell my supper cooking all day and relish the fact that I’m actually planning ahead! Mmmm, looking forward to supper time with my family…
Dry heave.
Oh, I’m so sorry and can so relate. You hang in there. Chin up. This is only temporary. Only a temporary that feels like forever! At least hubby and little one had a good meal! (My bedroom is over the kitchen–it didn’t even stop when I went to bed at night!) What doesn’t kill us can make us laugh and smile! I’m emerging, slowly, but emerging all the same! I will keep thinking of you!
Keep Calm and…
This is the part where, lacking anything resembling credible empathy, I enjoy reading another great post, but keep my mouth shut. I learned that from someone really special to me when this was her and she let me live.
“Keep Calm and…” keep sleeping on the couch all day! 🙂 I giggled about your special someone. Glad she let you live!
Wish I was good at those emoticons. I’d put a really sheepish face on there remembering that. (0:
It is a fun time to think back and remember but a painful time to go through! (I can’t do those emoticons much either. Just the smiley face.)
I can’t believe I missed this post until now! I love your list and your humor. You must be a much nicer pregnant woman than I was.
Also I had a guy at work when I was pregnant that must have bathed in his cologne. I had to ask him to stop wearing it because every time he came near me I had to run quicky to the restroom in case I hurled. It definitely was cutting into my work productivity. 🙂 Congratulations!
Thanks! I asked my husband to stop wearing his deodorant. He looked at me quizzically: “I can’t do that. I’ll smell bad.” I laughed. If he only understood just how sick that smell makes me! He probably has that planned—because I AM NOT a nice pregnant person. It’s his pregnant-mean-wife-keep-away tactic!